Mr Dangerous When Drunk was an outstanding member of the community, a kind soul who put all others above himself, looked out for friends and lived an honest and hardworking life with his wife
A man with no faults, Mr Dangerous When Drunk’s undoing came only with alcohol.
One day, Mr Dangerous When Drunk decided to go on holiday to Spain with his friends,
Joe, Ben and James.
The preparations for Mr Dangerous When Drunk’s holiday went impeccably, and one evening in October the group met at Heathrow airport, where they would wait overnight for an early morning departure.
With time to kill, Mr Dangerous When Drunk decided to let his hair down a little – figuratively speaking only, for he had no actual hair.
Mr Dangerous When Drunk had some cider. And some more.
Luckily for Mr Dangerous When Drunk, he was awoken from his stupor by armed police who thought he was a tramp.
Phew! Mr Dangerous When Drunk would have missed his flight otherwise.
In Barcelona, the group mostly illegally hired mopeds.
No one had a license except for the very careful (when sober) Mr Dangerous When Drunk.
Many hours of highly dangerous riding and a night on a beach later, the group eventually arrived in Valencia, their destination.
Finally, the purpose of their journey was to be realised: these motorcycle fans were here to watch the MotoGP finals – an epic race that Mr Dangerous When Drunk had dreamed of for months.
With nowhere to stay and every hotel booked,
James phoned his long lost uncle, who called around his friends in town. Soon he had arranged for the group to stay in a newly renovated apartment.
This accommodation came with only one stipulation:
‘DO NOT GET DRUNK’
The friends went out for dinner.
‘A toast to our arrival?’
Mr Dangerous When Drunk was nervous.
Or at least he should have been, but that’s called hindsight, the opposite of forethought, which Mr Dangerous When Drunk had never heard of.
12 hours later, Mr Dangerous When Drunk awoke.
‘Oh no. Where am I?’ said Mr Dangerous When Drunk.
‘And what have I done?’
Mr Dangerous When Drunk was in prison.
Joe, Ben and James were looking for Mr Dangerous When Drunk, who they had last seen being put into a police car having run through the solid glass door of a nightclub.
This search was long and fruitless; the police were giving no secrets for free.
By this point, Mr Dangerous When Drunk was remembering the actions of the night before.
‘I remember!’ said Mr Dangerous When Drunk to himself. ‘I was dancing incredibly amazingly well with unbelievable style, grace and manoeuvres when for no reason whatsoever I was asked to leave.
‘Perhaps my moves were too contemporary. And I guess I am quite big and dangerous when drunk after all.’
The drug dealer sitting to his left asked why they arrested him simply for dancing.
‘Oh no,’ said Mr Dangerous When Drunk, ‘They arrested me because I ran through a solid glass door then legged it from security.’
‘I see. Want some crack?’ said his new friend.
Elsewhere, the rest of the group had given up the search and very reluctantly gone to watch the brilliant, highly exciting, riveting, fast-paced and downright inspirational race they had all travelled for three days to spectate.
Mr Dangerous When Drunk cried a little.
Why, oh why did he drink?
Running through a door, flailing around on a dance floor – dangerous for a big guy like me, he thought.
‘That was silly, things got out of control. THIS MUST END.
I vow that I will never, ever, ever drink again!’ Mr Dangerous When Drunk said out loud, lying.
Note from the author:
I have never seen anyone look as sorry for themselves as
Paul Mr Dangerous When Drunk when he finally got out of jail nearly two days later.
But they say have no regrets, and
Ellie certainly should have none. Paul Mr Dangerous When Drunk is one of the kindest and most selfless people I know, so here’s to the long and happy life that Mr and Mrs Burford DWD will have together, sober or otherwise.
[This has been lifted from a best man speech. Identities have been concealed for legal purposes]